Sunday, September 26, 2010
today, my cousin celebrates her early birthday at her house. because i was working afternoon shift, i cant go, but when i reached home. i got to know from my mother, that she went too, with her bf. i worried. if i really went there after work, can i take it? pretend nothing happen in front of all my relatives and family? i am really afraid that if i really went there, saw you and him, i will break down. in th past, we are so close, and now? total strangers, and i am afraid to see you again, is my heart protecting me from all these? prevent me from going thru all that again? it was so hard for me to bury all that deep down, to pretend all that did not happen, even seeing your photos will tear up the wound. why? why god have to treat me like this? making me go thru once isn it bad enough? how many times must you make to experience it? making me think back that day, affects me alot, i tried to do so many things to fill my mind, make me don think of it, you think it is very fun ? to see me work so hard to bury that day, those memories, and purposely dig them up again, make me experience double the pain. why don you just kill me straight. all along , i have been trying very hard to be the person you want me to be. even the smallest things i will work very hard to complete it, to see the smile, or that simple sentence.
a friend once told me, you don have to carry the burden all by yourself, tell someone, share the burden, dhen you will not be so miserable carrying it yourself, maybe is because you don share thats why everybody thinks you can handle it. to others you are a empty bottle, everyone throws their troubles, their need to you and expects you to contain it, to keep it, to offer a solution. but every bottle has it quantity, at times you have to remove some, to have space. if you don say anything, don remove anything , and let others keep throwing, one day, you will have cracks, you will burst, once you cannot contain anymore and yet ppl keep throwing at you, you will explode. you can share, you can remove, some things are just too big for you to keep, if you don say anything and keep forcing it down just to make that person happy, you are going to fall, break, into pieces, and even in the future you joined yourself back up, you can no longer be like the past, cracks will still be there.
but i tried, this time, this fall is too hard, that made me break into pieces, and i tried so hard putting myself together, but there is too many pieces, making me tired of putting them back together. why you have to treat me like this , when i took so much time, so much effort to stand up from the fall, and you push me back down again? now whenever i hear your name, see your picture, know abt you, that day, that day that i hated so much, that i push so deep down will slap me straight in the face, hurt straight in the heart. the feeling of tears wanting to drop, but had to force them back , is the same as stabbing a knife and pulling it out.
what if i really went there just now, what if i have to see you again, not only i have to stop the wound from bleeding, i still have to bear with the scoldings from everyone, the blames from everyone, when i have to see everyone standing up for you, the happenings on that day flashing and flashing pass everyday, and i know your bf will shout at me, saying that is was my fault, to make you don feel like going home, shouting at me why i din do my part, i am supposed to do all that for you. and it is my fault that you din wan to come home, is was me that caused all these.
i hate myself, i hate being a sister, hate all this. where can i find a place away from all this, a breakaway. i told a friend, perhaps is only there is my shelter, that only place that i will not need to carry all this anymore.
that day i was so angry , so upset, wanting to get all that out of my head. should i thank you for letting me see that all i done meant nothing to you? that day you got so many ppl to back you up, who have i got? thanks for letting me see that i deserve all that, that what i am to you, you shouted to me, how many ppl treated you badly, how you got hurt. but you got ppl to back you up, and did you ever thought that how miserable you felt, by seeing you like this is happening twice on me, but you did not care. you know when you are not happy you come running to me , what ever your request is , i will do everything i can for you, but did you apperciate? nope, you forget all that as if it did nt even happen.
you are the first one to make me fall so hard, you are the first one that i had treated so nicely to, even better dhen i treat myself, because of you i don care if i am miserable, i don mind to get scoldings, just to keep you safe, once you tell me you hungry or you gt no money, even it means to dig all my money, i will still find money for you. but is this what i get back? scoldings, shoutings gotten from your friends and your bf? blames and faults that what i done is not enough?
the cracks i gotten, proves that we will never get back to what we were . you never know how deep you cut me. because it wasn you who got all these and to you , i deserved this.
loved, shirley.
it is important to learn to stand after a fall,
it is important to grow after a lesson,
but what happens when you have fallen so deep,
that it is impossible to stand,
and there is no one that is able to pull you up,
and there is ppl that wants you to keep falling,
because in their hearts,
you deserved it.
;
11:14 AM
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